Question Markers

You’re the novel I could never write 

Although, I can read you like a book,

You’re that photograph of mystery

To everyone but me; I can always

Capture the lens of deceit in your eyes

Which never comes as a surprise to me!

You’re the scenery I could never paint

Drawing from your novelty of abstract

Distracts my fixation on your noble honor

 

You’re the song I’ll never have a voice to sing

Yet your melody is forever on rewind

Placed foremost in the corners of my mind

And the crucibles of my silence….

In the salt of my tears, in the rhythms,

Wanting to beat from my lips, or 

The natural sway of my Caribbean hips

 

Rip current thighs, leading to the harbor where

Your ships and cargo, vessel of myths and filth

That I’ve grown accustomed to, docks!

Rocks steady, always ready to offload uncertainty

On my lap, slapping into blatant reality and out

Of the idea I conjured up that you wanted me.

 

You’re the map of interesting places I never explored

Constructs of monumental sadness I never understood

Collapsed ruins of shattered dreams I could never fix

Tirelessly trying in vain and pain

A wonderful treasure I always went in search of…

 

I wonder if you know or ever knew…

The embodiment of all I dream to be,

All I was and all I am, was for you

 

I wear you like a worn out garment.

A sash of pride with a bleeding inside,

A jazz cabaret trumpet harmonic high tide!

A “broke” subway poet en route to

Lover’s lane via a free express ride

To meet a local man on a high-speed chase

This! Is the northbound scarlet letter

I wished to turn into rags to riches story

Which gave way to only guns, no glory.

This locked and loaded love backfired!

 

Your trust issues gnawed at the tissues

And brought my heart to a FULL STOP

You!

Blood‘red-light-special’ case! Leaving no trace,

Or ellipsis of remorse…

You come as commas in the wrong place

Pausing precious time to rewind into your

Old self, replaying heart strings and habits

 

Leaving me hanging on to the bare edge

Of your unanswered question…marks my

Psyche, branded seal of disapproval, forced

Removal of personal traits, crates of fragility

You fill me up with all your “nothing”

Which was all you ever had to offer!

In your confusion and my patience…

Not even a piece of you nor a peace-of-mind offering

Not an explanation for your “quote on quote”

Need for space nor your conjunction of lies…

 

You’re the hurdle that took me too long to get over

The obstacle course of challenging irony

That brought me back to square one repeatedly!

And always made me your number two;

Until an exclamatory jolt from my stifling emotions

Made me realize that there is no hyphen of meaning

Or compatibility to bridge the gap between us!

There is no history to join us, nor path to take us forward

So I burned the bridges and buried all hope

 

It’s gone up in flames and smoke!

It’s gone with the wind.

And so I kept a straight head!

No looking back

No asking why

 

I’m still walking…

Naked

Alex Alemany

“Don’t bend; don’t water it down; don’t try to make it logical; don’t edit your own soul according to the fashion. Rather, follow your most intense obsessions mercilessly.”

-Franz Kafka

 I took off all my clothes tonight.

Had an inclination to smile,

But didn’t.

I switched off all the lights.

Opened the windows to let in the moonlight.

Played ‘Solitude’ by Billie Holiday.

Poured myself a glass of red wine, sat in front the mirror.

Bared my soul to my own reflection and let go

With every drop of salty, unapologetic tear.

They made a sea at my feet.

They ran without current or tide

A flow that wouldn’t subside and I…

I didn’t cry for you…

…You papa, ghost who

Left behind your closet of boogiemen,

To befriend me in your absence…

Your demons from which I couldn’t hide

Your face, which looks like mine;

Unfortunately. But I’m fine now, since,

I screamed you out of my painful,

Crooked expressions yesterday

So today, I can cry or laugh,

Without sullenness or remorse.

I took a sip in your memory though.

I didn’t cry for you Granny…

You! Bag of worry, hurt, sorry

And sorrowful wonder!

Mystery and wandering soul…

That never knew wanderlust or trust!

You! Thunder and attempt at mother

Born to be the ‘other’…woman

Second place not just in birth but worth

Gave birth to woman for a man

Who belonged to another woman!

My lineage is curved… Bent so much, I can’t

See what comes around the corner!

I have stopped looking!

I have stopped asking myself why

I will always be number two for most men?

Is it just some messed up shit wanting to haunt me?

Your ghosts play friendly games with me sometimes

And misery loves company, but the things they want from me

I cannot offer…

I dismissed your roaming spirit, go rest in peace!

And so I drank, not to rekindle your cruel addictions

Not to accompany the smoke of your youthful fire

Or your cigarette;

Just a toast to your departure…

I didn’t cry for you troubled uncle!

I have stopped dreaming you, being on top

And me praying for a stop sign so this ride could be over

I removed your angry and lonely from my thighs

Sawed your mental sub-normality from my psyche

Repulsively cut your ‘incessant’ candy lies from my eardrums

Threw dirt on your grave and buried my lost innocence with you

I took a sip in your memory too… I no longer see you in my reflection

Or in my fear for my unborn children’s protection!

I tried not to cry for you mummy!

You, who asked me what I wanted to be.

You to whom I couldn’t respond … “a stripper”

The kind who strips herself of pride

Shows her uncensored broken spirit to strangers;

So I took off my clothes tonight to see how it feels

And I danced and spread my legs for the reward I could gain

From dominating these two poles, this bi-polar feeling.

I want to strip myself of your dreams and hopes in me

Strip myself of your strange unhappy kind of happy

Strip myself of our combined solitary silence.

Sit simply bare from the crown of my head to

The soles of my feet… feel no defeat and bear my soul to you!

For the sole reason of giving up on a God who,

I’ve come to believe orchestrated the entire scenario.

Director of this vessel that was never empty, so it couldn’t make a sound!

Producer of this temple defiled where men without convictions lie

And monsters as men with premeditated sins lie down…

In the hopes of earning a crown jewel

I wanted to ask him …Are you proud of your creation?

Not out of blasphemy, merely out of apathy and discontent.

But I didn’t! I wouldn’t know the answer anyways… so instead,

I dried myself.

Tore the pages from my bible and placed them on my body

For “Covering!”

Dear New Guy…

Dear New Guy…

I can’t promise to love you all at once

There’s isn’t much left in me to do so.

It’s in a suitcase collecting dust

Under the pile of rummage with

My other valuables, in my ex’s garage

Where he parks up his luxurious insecurity

I can’t promise to be a saint for you,

I’ve learnt to always look for

The Devil in the details and tales…

And yeah, I don’t believe in fairy tales either

So save your horse for the crazy days

When, like the others, you may see the

Need to ride off into the sunset without me.

I can’t promise to leave a glass slipper

A solid answer or a love note…

It may simply be some shattered-glass splinters,

a mixed message, a crazy gesture

Or some lengthy, confusing poem I wrote!

Image-filled stanzas of bloody messy truths

Maybe an indication to my troubled, hidden roots

I can’t promise to call you sweet names like baby

Such superflous words no longer mean something to me

I’ve heard it all before, one too many times, you know

For “baby bearers” are in constant over-flow

I play them like lyrics to the lullabies I sing

To cradle and quiet my constantly crying ego

I am not into late nights on the telephone

I’ve grown loathsome to long walks in the park

I instead spend my time on bended knees in dark

Closets, pleading to a God I am most times angry with.

I can’t promise to smile for no reason,

Be head over heals or even hold your hand

You don’t need me to find your footing or lead your way

I’m way too familiar with ‘labyrinth lovers’ and ‘maze men’

Whose amazing potential I forsaw but pretense I never foretold!

What I can promise you is…

An empty heart that’s yours to fill

A pair of free hands, longing eyes, open ears

A willing mind, an invincible soul

A gentle tongue, a face to draw a smile

Unshackled feet willing to go the distance

A backbone to withstand the bounty of love

A solid head on broad, strong shoulders

Gracious laughter

And a delicate spirit….

I can promise to

Be your new exciting experience

Your long awaited adventure

Your journey of great exploits

Your born again lover

Your breath of fresh air…

Your beginner and new beginning

Your be all and end all and all in all

Your bucket list kind of love

Your dying wish, last bit of strength kind of love

Your one day at a time, a day’s too long kind of love

Simply your one of a kind of love !

Birth Right

I could have been a daddy’s girl

But he never stuck around long enough

for me to find out if I really could,

I stood in the light of day and watched

His form flicker away, so

When night came, it was no irony 

That not even my shadow could 

reach out to him, he left 

Nothing behind but dust and a 6 year old

fresh faced diagnosis of trust issues

and scars, a life-threatening illness.

That’s how sick it made me! Like YOU make me!

Now… to answer your questions…

NO…I don’t know who my Father is

The nerve of you to imply my mother’s a whore

Blasted out of place to suggest she’s unsure!

And NO I don’t know what he looks like

Father, Son,Spirit is the only Hope I have

This invisibility I am satisfied with, I don’t

need to see, even my unwavering faith NEVER

brought him or me back to Life, (the one I dreamt of.)

And NO, he’s not dead either, just not a daddy

but merely a mummy occupying the land 

The only ghost I believe in is a Holy one without a name 

and the Jesus that made the women in my life mother and father

Doesn’t have a surname, or a birth paper…

Why the hell…breaking loose from your tongue…

Don’t you question HIM? … Like you do me?

Right from birth I had to fight off hurt 

His only gift, inherited curses, 

That inched with my fragile growth, 

And insecurities as tradeoff for my innocence!

Now that you’ve gotten the introductory of my mystery

In response to all your pointless questions about my 

Ancestry; Do you care to meet me by FHE for a pint of blood?

My cuts bleed red but today was an exception.

My heart has been stabbed in the same place too many times

But when the blood gushes from my mouth as laughter

These bruises seem trivial, mendable by plaster

My spine’s been crooked too long, by the load of how comes

“How come you have that name, when no indian and you look the same?”

“Quite unfathomable!…How come its a maternal inheritance?”

“How come you don’t look dougla or mixed-up?”

Funny though, the only confused bastard here is you!

The demons I put to sleep once upon a time,  have awakened and

rides on the Chariot of my whiplashing tongue, wishing to baptise you in a

Crusading torch of fiery expletive explanations, an exodus of cuss words…

But I’ve been cleansed and washed by Living Water and Word

Thus I need not fulfill this burning desire!

My response simply reads…

How come, in Trinidad, there’s such a “black” plague of ignorance?

How come in an Amerindian Spanish-French-English-African-Indian-Chinese-Syrian 

Callaloo land of all ah we is one, can such injustice be said and done?

I’ve been contemplating this question… and answer for quite a while

I don’t need geography to tell me the Ganges never met the Nile!

In an institution where the light is supposedly rising from the West…

It apparently only shines on the crest leaving the rest, like you, in darkeness

There is no comfort in accepting ignorance as bliss, so let me explain this…

I have been thought to belong to a world where there is only ONE human race…

But where, unfortunately, all asses have a place…

Now make a giant leap for humanity by getting out of my face

Saving Grace

He has got the whole world in his hands;
And every woman in his back pocket. 
I’m every woman but still fell short 
Of his glory, the village girl that never 
Made it to his throne, or kissed his ring
Whose only bedchamber her never visited.
A King Henry impostor, with a Macbeth pursuit
I had a French background but was no Anne Boleyn
So I wore my crown jewel with pride, broken to pieces
Inside and settled for Catherine every time I laid next to him.
In that moment, nothing was worst but all the more better
Than believing I was his unhappy Spanish ribcage equal. 
But Lady Macbeth every time he lost sight of himself
He didn’t need three witches to tell his future
For I read his palm and saw myself in it
Wishing to be the saving grace for his reckless
Drive, knowing he was confused, cursed from birth.
O love, why, oh why do you treat me so cruel?
When I’d be willing to wash so many virgin blood off your hands…
Was the mirror of my truths too much for you to see yourself
Too clearly? The splitting-image of your father’s mistakes…?
Your failed attempts to avoid dancing to his music of life that plays on?
Or at a closer look did you see me drowning in a river of your mothers’ tears?
From bare blanket and only pillow nights, rolling over, stretching out
Arms to embrace nothing but cold moments and bible verses, 
Night whispering simply prayers that you’ll never follow suit.
Or does the continuous disappointment in my eyes make you see her reflection?
Tell me, would you not rather build your throne on the principle
Of an opposition to his practised infidelity and glorified disregard?
Does the marrow in the strength of your maternally inherited backbone
Not speak to the moral fibre of your heart tissue, when it screams in the silence
Of lonely nights, deniable truths, evident failures and realised repetitions?
Is your spirit man so hungry that it’s too weak to step ‘out of body’ and experience 
The difference that you once dared to adhere to… Or …
Is it not hungry enough to starve for the desires of not being the fruit of his labour?
Are my tears not pristine, unapologetic and pure enough to wash away your sins?
Or are they too much that you find yourself submerged in a sea of forgetfulness?
I had long settled for the undulating wave of emotions, the high tide and uncertain ride
Forcing my impetuous heart to follow orders from this pirated wayward captain.
I anchored my self to this phoney aimless vessel of lost treasure and inordinate pleasure
Because I had since forgotten or maybe never knew where my virtues were and my future heading
I mystified my original beliefs, for my footing was always unsure 
Having only knowledge that I could’t serve two masters at once.
I made you Lord of my Kingdom, became the maidservant glorifying your sovereignty 
And in keeping with my fickleness, settled for the Prince of Perplexity
The seeming valuables on board dissuaded me from walking on water
I was reminded though,I can’t put no man before the Only man whose love reciprocated
So when the seas got choppy, and the boat began to drift, 
It was no surprise that you, the man I gave my everything, abandoned the ship
Did you think I would die and this rip-current love would subside?
Would you have come back for me when the calm returned to sea?
Has your castle withstood the battle you’ve declared in your Mind?
Is your war ever over, when you fight yourself every time?
Have you found new lands to establish your new throne?
Having left me here to recover form this war-torn heartbreak alone?
Don’t forget to put out your red flag of warning the next time!
Never bothering about me, for I’ll be fine…
If by chance you ever wonder about the new crown adorning my head
Be sure to note and impute it to the change of heart I opted for
The hands that I held whilst stifling and struggling to reach to shore
The driftwood that cruised to land, The strip I landed on to regain my footing, 
The dust I ate, while prostrate to the threshing floor in which I buried my face,
The life-changing discovery that I didn’t need love, but simply, Saving Grace!